In Between The High And LowMonday, February 29, 2016
Reflecting on beingness, imperfection and the temporary nature of life even as I marvel at its addictive beauty.
I just gobbled up a vege briyani and felt like a queen. Sometimes, food is the best comfort next to positive people. Being a sponge can get me in places I really don't want to be and I must remind myself of that every single day. Especially when my guard is down and I'm trying to impress. As a kid, my defense was to block it all out. But it only made me a bundle of nerves. As a grown adult with responsibilities to jiggle and juggle, I can get stuck in a box of my own self-limiting behavior. But food, now, that's just a must.
I'm already feeling much better. Exhaustion and intense emotions of low and high vibrations are a recipe for a panic attack and a momentary meltdown but I learn that nothing beats a proper rest, meditation and self-compassion.
This year has been quite a different one in a way I didn't expect. I want the best for everyone but I guess, I please no one and do no justice to myself and that, I've had quite enough of. Funny how childhood themes pop up when you least expect it and as of now, it's a neon bright sign that says I must persevere for my own health.
3 things I feel so strongly about today:
I am the way I am as it should be. I can pretend to be someone else but where is the sanity in that? I tend to be pleasing when I want to please someone but I realize that I'd hate myself and disillusion eats at me and I strive to be direct. Even if it doesn't come out smoothly. I try.
I am not perfect. And that's alright. I don't expect anyone else to be either. I show myself as I am. And that is all there is to it. I was going to write: That is all there is to eat. My brain is still stuffing my face subconsciously, I see.
A lot of things are out of my hands. I can be a control freak. I mean, who isn't if the aim is to make life easier to digest to maneuver? I aim to lessen the grip of the noose around the proverbial neck of the short existence of the life I have. Sometimes I forget that things are quite acutely temporary. The fact that I easily forget this surprises me but also, it reminds me that without the memories that strengthen this identity I call my self, I really would not exactly be me.