Drinking Guide For Drunken Idiots

Monday, November 23, 2009

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on” – Joe E. Lewis

You start only with a pint of beer. Not much of a drinker, you say. Your mind is expanding in ways that is making nirvana sounds inadequate. You smile a lazy grin, pick up another pint. Now, you’re a smooth talker, words flowing hitting the jugular, keeping it real with your buddies and chicks are staring at you like you’re some kind of a man-god. It’s almost weird, they never do that when you’re sober-straight. But, you're kind of sober, see, you're the man.

A burst of laughter, a slap on someone’s shoulder, a dreamy music being played back-to-back, and your sleepless mind silently leaves the noise trail behind. You’re miles away, fearless. Now the world around you speeds up but strangely it retains a smooth trance-like quality, your eyes heavy, but not drowsy. Your mouth is speaking words you have never whispered. Everyone is swaying, so you might as well start dancing, nodding your head, doing the one-two step. Nothing wrong with keeping up with the beat now is there? You're not like that clown who's making a fool of himself, staring back at you, a distance away.

And then your senses pick up a distant scream; somebody has fallen off the stool, a girl’s mouth in the shape of a flattened ‘o’ and judging from the work-of-art painted on the front of the shirt and pants, the way the clown is muttering gibberish to himself and his overall hobo-ish "charm", you would think this man right there is a mad man.

But no, no no. He is just you, really, only a little drunk, engaging in a deep conversation that keeps going deeper with the skinny leg of a stool and the reflection of a crooked mirror at the side of the maroon bar. Life speaks to you in mysterious ways now don't they?

Fast-forward immediately after; a clown of a buddy uploads the recording of the whole damn drunken enlightenment session for the entire world to see, on youtube. Thanks, you say, sarcastically and quickly return home to google yourself stupid. Accompanied with nothing else but a mood to brood, you start reading the whole lists of idiot’s drinking-guide to find some comfort in the experience shared by the average pretty-common drunken men and women, of this wretched world.

If this one here does not tickle you even for a little bit, you might just as well, go and get drunk. No, that's just a joke. You're not serious are you? But if you are, can I tag along?


"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." -William Buttler Yeats

Image Credit:
Drunk Woman Is Tired (Femme ivre se fatigue) by Pablo Picasso.

shanaz@RS | 4:34 AM | Labels:

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